Showing posts with label personal. Show all posts
Showing posts with label personal. Show all posts
27 December 2018

I HAD AN EATING DISORDER

If you know me, you know that I'm an open book. I don't have anything to hide and I share a lot. Some might even say I overshare. But suffering in silence is still suffering. I have this platform, where I can make people feel better and let them know that they're not alone in what they're going through, so I feel a duty to talk about my problems. Plus, it makes me feel better, too.

Ever since I can remember, my weight has been a touchy topic for me. It has fluctuated a lot throughout my life, even when I was little. I don't remember when exactly I became conscious about it, maybe in my teenage years, as all girls do. During high school, I had a lot of insecurities. It pains me to know that every woman goes through body image issues at some point in her life, and although not everyone goes to extremes like I did, it's not a fact we should settle with.

So today I want to share my story on how I had an eating disorder and how I learned to live with it.

I've always been a very sensitive person, probably more than most. It's easy to knock me down, even though I don't admit it, and it takes time to get back up on my feet. Flashback to 6 years ago, when I was impressionable, a lot more naive (I still only see the good in people, but that's a different blog post) and very much insecure in how I looked. I felt constantly judged and unattractive. I thought the way to feel better about myself was by losing weight and having this "transformation". In my mind, it would suddenly all fall into place.

First of all, I didn't really need to lose weight. But I was set on it and when I have a goal, there's nothing that can stop me. The logical way to lose weight, according to me back then, was by starvation. Actual starvation.

I remember eating just a slice of bread per day.

I remember not drinking water, because it made me bloated.

I remember weighing myself every hour to see if there was any difference.

I remember my father taking away my computer and saying he'd only give it back if I ate.

I remember looking at myself in every mirror and pointing out everything I wanted to change.

That lasted for months. When I was finally "skinny" (even though I didn't feel like I was), I eventually started to like the way I looked a little bit more, and thank God I did, because who knows where I would've ended up otherwise. But why did I have to go through all of that physical and emotional exhaustion, just so I could accept myself?

Flash forward to today, a few weight losses and weight gains later. It was a long process of figuring myself out and accepting that I only have one body and if I don't treat it right, I will basically have nothing.


I've never been perfect, nor will I ever be. But I have over the years gained the confidence I wish I had back then and learned to love my body plus all the stretch marks and cellulite, abs in the morning and looking 5 months pregnant in the evening, crooked nose and chubby fingers.

It's weird because, even though I finally accept myself, I guess subconsciously, when I'm going through a tough time in my life or when I'm anxious, I'm taken back to 6 years ago and I react by not eating. It's like my body is in shock and just can't bring itself to consuming food. My mindset is different though, or at least I try for it to be, and I no longer feel the need to fit into a certain image that is socially accepted to be "ideal" and "beautiful". So when that happens, it's more of a wake up call than a relapse. It's all about seeing the good in every situation.

xo,
Kalina
25 October 2018

WHY I'M STILL SINGLE

I've had an overwhelming urge to write recently and I think it's mostly due to the fact that I've pretty much abandoned my blog. It's easy to get caught up in your day-to-day life and forget the things you love doing. I want to break that cycle and since no one reads my blog anymore, I don't feel as pressured to follow a schedule and post frequently. It's also easier to open up and talk about whatever I feel like sharing.

Today, that is the imminent question "Why are you single?", which I can't answer myself. 

It seems like being in a relationship is the norm. It makes sense - we are social creatures, thriving on interaction and contact with others, seeking approval, be it subconsciously and dreading loneliness. That leads me to the conclusion that I'm an alien. Jokes aside, I do feel out of place on many occasions. Many of my classmates have long-term relationships, some are engaged, some are married, some have kids, while I frequently drink wine alone in my room on a Thursday, wearing a dressing gown and eating animal-shaped biscuits. I know life's not a race and I should take things at my own pace but it's hard not to compare yourself to your peers, especially in the day and age of social media, where you get daily updates from people you want or don't want to keep in touch with. 


The bigger issue however, is that I don't really want to catch up to them anytime soon. I enjoy my own company to a dangerous degree. It takes a lot for me to decide to give someone my time and energy, because those are the most valuable resources we have. I don't feel the need to share myself with someone. I don't know if I want to get married or have children. Currently I don't, but who knows, I might change my mind.

I have my friends, who give me more support than I could have ever wished for and that's more than enough for me. Of course, that's not the same as having someone who thinks you put the stars in the sky, but to me friendship is more unconditional and rewarding than a boyfriend.

I know that people will say that I just haven't found the right person to share my life with, aka "the one", but I don't believe in that concept. Life isn't like the movies, there is no magical feeling of everything falling into place when you meet someone and instantly knowing that you're meant to be. I believe that love starts with a feeling, but turns into a choice, a mutual conscious choice. I also believe that friendship and understanding should always be the base of any relationship. All in all, it's hard work and I haven't found anyone worthy of the effort yet. I don't know if I will, but I don't mind either outcome. 

People also ask "who hurt you" as if an unsuccessful relationship can make me give up on love. Fuck my high school boyfriend, who thought blocking me on Facebook was an acceptable way to break up with me. Fuck the boy who used my body and concluded "I think we're better off as friends". Fuck the one that wanted me, but wasn't ready to give anything in return, too. Those are all learning experiences and I don't have the energy to stay bitter and closed off to the world because of them.


Me being single doesn't depend on anyone or anything else apart from me. I'm in the process of bettering and getting to know myself and my needs. My life is a mess and for someone to walk into it, they'd have to be understanding of that and my need to be by myself more than most.

Don't get me wrong, I'm no saint, I enjoy my flings and casual dating, but I'm really selective and careful with who I actually let have a role in my life.

I'm not writing anything off, but I'm not unhappy with where I am right now. Going with the flow isn't so bad, as long as you don't let the current drown you.

And just so you know, blogging is way cheaper than therapy and so is chocolate.

xo,
Kalina
17 February 2018

10 НЕЩА КОИТО НЕ ЗНАЕТЕ ЗА МЕН


Наскоро беше популярно в Instagram да се споделят по 5 факта на история и аз естествено се включих. Това от своя страна ме вдъхнови да напиша и този пост с 10 неща, които може би не знаете за мен.


1. Тренирах спортни танци в продължение на 5 години, но никога не беше професионално. Много ми харесваше и все още помня някои от стъпките.

2. Като става дума за танци, не мога да се отпусна достатъчно, когато изляза с приятелки вечер, за да танцувам (може би не пия и достатъчно алкохол 😅). Вкъщи пред огледалото обаче танцувам постоянно.

3. Много обичам крем супи. Ям поне една на семица и никога не ми омръзват. Любимата ми е от тиква!

4. Не обичам празниците. Нито един от тях - Коледа, Нова година, Великден, рождени дни... Не вярвам в идеята, че определени дати са специални и цялото напрежение всичко да е перфектно и да си прекараш добре винаги убива настроението ми. 

5. Единственото изключение на горното е Хелоуийн. Обичам костюмите, грима и сладките 🙈


6. Напоследък гледам много сериали и се запалих по няколко жанра: историческа драма, криминален и адвокатски (има ли такова 😄)

7. Но най-голямата ми слабост са риалитита. Трудно се намира някое, на което да не съм гледала поне 2-3 епизода. В момента гледам новите сезони на America's Next Top Model, RuPaul's Drag Race, Project Runway All Stars, Keeping Up With The Kardashians и много други.

8. Не знам с какво искам да се занимавам занапред (и след като завърша), но това не ме притеснява ни най-малко, защото знам, че нещата ще се наредят.

9. Взех си Ария, когато бях екстремно депресирана след раздяла и много се радвам, че се случи така (и раздялата, и Ария).

10. Нощна птица съм и ми е много трудно да заспя преди 12-1 през нощта, колкото и рано да ставам. Има теория, според която това е така, защото съм родена през нощта.

Това са моите факти. Бих се радвала да разбера дали си приличаме по нещо, така че драснете някой коментар, ако искате!

Сега ви оставям с новото ми видео, в което имам още 10 факта 😊



xo,
Kalina
13 July 2016

Ari Time







Walking Ari and wearing my favourite pants means a good day, right? I'm not gonna lie, I'm kinda over summer at this point and I don't get why it's everyone's favourite season, but I'm gonna go to the beach as much as I can. Unpopular opinion?
~
Да разхождам Ари и да нося любимия си панталон означава хубав ден, нали? Няма да лъжа, малко ми писна от лятото вече и не разбирам защо е любимият сезон на всички, но пък ще ходя на плаж колкото е възможно. Unpopular opinion?

xo,
Kalina
6 June 2016

Traveling with Anxiety: My Top 7 Tips

The first time I opened up about my struggle with anxiety I got an amazing response - better than I had ever expected. It made me realise that I'm definitely not the only one and that reading or talking about it helps a lot.

I recently went on a trip alone, which if you had told me I would do about 2 months ago, I wouldn't have believed you. I've mentioned that I like traveling and I wanna see and experience new things, but the problem is learning how to deal with unfamiliar situations. I had come to a point in my life where I was so tired of staying in the same place all the time and I just felt stuck. I thought to myself "I just can't live like this anymore" and booked an airplane ticket online. What you should know about me is I like making impulse decisions.

So, I booked my ticket and my flight was the next night. It's good it turned out this way, because I had very little time to overthink and panic. I packed my bags and that was it. Overall, I had a great trip and although I had some difficulties adjusting and wasn't fully myself, I'm glad I did it.

Now, I want to share some of the things that helped me along the way in the hope of helping someone else, too.

1. Get out of your comfort zone, but only when you feel it's right. 
You need to push yourself, but not too much, because you might respond negatively. Try to focus as much on all the positive things that can happen, because they probably will. Don't let your fear guide you.

2. Don't back out last minute.
You will have doubts and will most likely feel like postponing your trip when it gets near. By all means, don't do it, because that will only increase your current and future fear.

3. Take something that reminds you of home.
It could be a toy, pillow, cup or whatever makes you feel a bit more comfortable. For me it was my makeup, as silly as it may sound. I took all the products I use daily, so I could stick to my routine.

4. Sleep enough and eat enough.
It's easy to get caught up in all the excitement, but in the long run, you shouldn't neglect your needs. The eating part was especially hard for me, because I feel sick when I'm anxious, but I managed.

5. Do the things you would normally do.
For example, if you don't go out too much when you're home, don't feel the need to be out all the time when you're in a different city. It's okay to take time to yourself and just chill in your hotel room.

6. Distract yourself.
That means don't chill too much, because when you're left alone with your thoughts you might start to overthink. If you're afraid of flying, bring lots of things with you - a book, magazine, headphones. Luckily, my flights were really short and I just enjoyed the view, but if your journey is long, that's a must.

7. Just do it.
Nike anyone? Seriously though, when the opportunity comes just take it and you'll thank yourself later. The first time is always the hardest - I had never flown on my own before and had a panic attack before I went on the plane, but when I was returning home I was probably the calmest person in the waiting room.

Those were the things that made my trip much easier and you know what? I wanna do it again. Let me know if you've done any of these things or if you have anything to add!


Първият път, когато говорих за трудностите си с тревожността, получих страхотни отзиви - по-добри отколкото някога бях очаквала. Осъзнах, че определено не съм единствената и четенето или говоренето за това много помагат.

Наскоро пътувах сама, което, ако ми бяхте казали, че ще направя, преди два месеца, нямаше да повярвам. Споменавала съм, че харесвам да пътувам и искам да видя и преживея нови неща, но проблемът е да се науча да се справям с непознати ситуации. Бях стигнала до момент в живота си, когато ми беше писнало да стоя на едно място постоянно и се чувствах заседнала. Казах си "Не мога да живея така повече" и си запазих самолетен билет онлайн. Трябва да знаете, че много обичам импулсивни решения. 

И така, купих си билет и полетът ми беше на следващата вечер. Добре, че се случи така, защото имах много малко време да го мисля и да се панирам. Стегнах си багажа и това беше. Като цяло имах страхотно пътуване, въпреки че ми беше трудно да се приспособя и не бях напълно на себе си.

Сега искам да споделя някои от нещата, които ми помогнаха по пътя, с надеждата да помогнат и на някой от вас.

1. Излезте от зоната на комфорта, но тогава, когато го почувствате правилно.
Трябва да се натискате, но не твърде много, защото може да реагирате негативно. Опитайте да се фокусирате колкото можете върху позитивните неща, които може да се случат, защото те ще се случат. Не оставяйте страхът да ви води.

2. Не се отказвайте в последния момент.
Ще имате съмнения и най-вероятно ще искате да отложите пътуването, когато наближи. В никакъв случай не го правете, защото това само ще засили настоящия и бъдещия страх.

3. Вземете нещо, което ви напомня за вкъщи.
Може да е играчка, възглавница, чаша или каквото друго ви кара да се чувствате по-комфортно. За мен това бяха гримовете ми, колкото и смешно да звучи. Взех си всички продукти, които използвам ежедневно, за да се придържам към рутината си.

4. Спете достатъчно и яжте достатъчно.
Лесно е да се въвлечете във вълнението, но в по-дългосрочен план, не трябва да пренебрегвате нуждите си. Частта с храненето беше особено трудна за мен, защото ми става лошо, когато съм нервна, но се справих.

5. Правете нещата, които обикновено правите.
Например, ако не излизате много често, когато сте си вкъщи, не изпитвайте нуждата да сте навън постоянно, когато сте в друг град. Няма проблем да отделите време за себе си и просто да си починете в хотелската стая.

6. Разсейвайте се.
Това пък означава да не се отпускате твърде много, защото когато останете сами с мислите си, може да започнете да се притеснявате. Ако се страхувате да летите, вземете си доста неща - книга, списание, слушалки. За щастие, моите полети бяха много кратки и се наслаждавах на гледката, но ако вие имате по-дълъг път, това е задължително.

7. Просто го направете.
Nike някой? Ама не, наистина, когато имате възможност, просто я грабнете и ще си благодарите по-късно. Първият път винаги е най-труден - не бях летяла сама преди и на отиване получих паническа атака, но пък на връщане бях може би най-спокойния човек в чакалнята. 

Това бяха нещата, които доста ми улесниха пътуването и знаете ли какво? Искам да го повторя. Бих се радвала да разбера дали вие сте правили нещо от тези неща или имате други съвети!

xo,
Kalina


23 May 2016

Eco Park







/*/

I had a fun little hike today and didn't forget to bring my camera. My style has been quite boring lately, but I have some fashion posts coming up!
~
Излязохме на кратка разходка днес и не забравих камерата си. Стилът ми е доста скучен напоследък, но ще подготвя модни публикации скоро!

xo,
Kalina
9 May 2016

21 Things I Learned In 21 Years

Since it was my birthday on Friday and I really love this type of posts, I decided now's the time to write mine. Remember, this is all personal experience and opinions and you don't need to agree with everything.

  1. A new start is always difficult, but things often seem scarier than they are.
  2. Not everyone cares. Most are just curious.
  3. Smiling is free.
  4. So is kindness.
  5. If you do something, give your 100%.
  6. A diet is never healthy. You can stick to a plan, but if you crave something badly, you shouldn't restrict yourself.
  7. Happiness is not a destination, it's a way.
  8. You'll hear different opinions of yourself. They shouldn't form the person you are.
  9. You don't need the validation of anyone else to love yourself.
  10. If you have to force a relationship it's not going to last and it's not worth your energy.
  11. Lying is a sign of weakness and insecurity.
  12. So is making fun of others.
  13. There are going to be days you feel on top of the world and ready to do anything. Take advantage of them.
  14. There are going to be days you can't get out of bed. Don't let them win.
  15. You should never feel guilty for doing something you enjoy.
  16. Drinking water will give you better skin and more energy.
  17. Always admit your mistakes, but never let them become the focus.
  18. Forgiveness will help you let go and move on.
  19. Deleting them on social media helps too.
  20. Listen to what your body is telling you. You only get one.
  21. The best is yet to come.

Тъй като имах рожден ден в петък, а и много харесвам този тип постове, реших, че сега е времето да напиша мой. Помнете, че всичко това са мои преживявания и мнения и не е нужно да сте съгласни с тях.
  1. Началото винаги е трудно, но нещата често изглеждат по-страшни отколкото са.
  2. Не всеки го е грижа. Повечето са просто любопитни.
  3. Усмивките са безплатни.
  4. Както и добротата.
  5. Каквото и да правите, дайте своите 100%.
  6. Диетите не са полезни. Може да се придържате към план, но ако много ви се яде нещо, не бива да се ограничавате.
  7. Щастието не е дестинация, а път.
  8. Ще чувате различни мнения за себе си. Те не трябва да ви определят като човек.
  9. Не е нужна валидацията на когото и да било, за да обичате себе си.
  10. Ако трябва да насилвате връзка, тя няма да продължи дълго и не си заслужава енергията.
  11. Лъжите са знак на слабост и неувереност.
  12. Същото се отнася и за подигравките.
  13. Ще има дни, в които се чувствате на върха и готови да направите всичко. Възползвайте се от тях.
  14. Ще има дни, в които не можете да станете от леглото. Не им се давайте.
  15. Никога не трябва да се чувствате гузни за нещо, което ви носи удоволствие.
  16. Пиенето на вода дава чиста кожа и повече енергия.
  17. Винаги признавайте грешките си, но ги поставяйте на фокус.
  18. Да простите ще ви помогне да продължите напред.
  19. Изтриването от социалните мрежи също помага.
  20. Слушайте какво ви казва тялото. Имате само едно.
  21. Най-доброто предстои.
xo,
Kalina
18 April 2016

Free Time







Here's the second post from my road trip I promised! I'm gonna wear something that's not black soon, I swear. Yoli is going back to Lancaster today and I already miss her,
~
Ето го и втория пост от екскурзията ми, който обещах. скоро ще облека нещо, което не е черно, заклевам се. Йоли се връща в Ланкастър днес и вече ми липсва.

xo,
Kalina
13 December 2015

I ♥ Christmas Tag

I haven't done a tag in so long, so I was really excited when the lovely Lili tagged me to do this festive one! I'm really tired, so I'll be doing it in English only though. Here we go:



1. What is your favorite Christmas Color?
Dark green definitely! I love all shades of green all around, but I have an actual excuse to wear it and paint my nails in dark green around Christmas.
2. What is your favorite Christmas movie?
Hmmm, it would have to be Love Actually if we're sticking to just Christmas movies. I rewatch it every year (and totally don't cry).
3. What is your favorite Christmas song?
I can't pick just one, but I really love the classics, Let It Snow by Dean Martin, Santa Baby by Eartha Kitt.

4. The most anticipated Christmas Tradition?
It  would have to be giving people presents. I love picking them out, I start in November haha.
5. Is your tree fake or real?
Fake.
6. PJs of Fancy Dress for Christmas Eve?
PJs for like my entire life haha.
7. When do you open your presents - on the Christmas Eve or the Christmas Morning? 
I don't really get presents these days, but if I do it depends on who it's from - from my parents on Christmas Eve, from my grandparents on Christmas.
8. Do you believe in Santa? 

Not really, but my brother still does and I'm trying to keep it as real as possible for him.
9. What is your Christmas wish?

Just to have a better year in 2016. 2015 has been a rollercoaster.

10. Have you ever build a Gingerbread House?
Nooo, never. It's not really a thing in Bulgaria, but I do love baking ginger cookies.
11. What is your Dream Christmas Destination? 
If you know me, you'd know I'm not the best traveller, but if I reaaaaally had to go somewhere it would be somewhere with lots of snow, definitely.

12. Do you like giving or receiving gifts better? 

I mean, I would like to say giving, because I really enjoy seeing the people I love happy, but receiving is just as fun.

13. Can you name all of the Santa’s Reindeers? 
Again, not really a thing in Bulgaria. Dancer, Prancer, Blitzen, Vixen, Cupid, Rudolph... no idea!

14. What is your favorite christmas meal or treat?
I mean, it has got to be all the chocolate. It's not a traditional Christmas meal, but that's all I think of when I hear Christmas.
15. Are you a pro-present wrapper or you fail miserably? 
Ummmm, so I will let you in on a little secret - I usually have my presents wrapped by professionals and I've never even tried wrapping them on my own. It just doesn't seem like something fun to do. But shhhh!
These questions have been so much fun! I wanna tag some people too to spread the Christmas spirit, but really anyone is welcome to do it!
Maria from BeGlamorous
Preslava from Games Of Fashion
Preslava from Presscious
xo,
Kalina

25 November 2015

October Flashback







I know I should've posted these ages ago, but I was on a break in October and I kinda just forgot when I returned to blogging. So, here they are now, from when my best friend came home and we had one of the craziest days ever, remaking viral videos and twerking all over the place. Christmas is just a month away though and I can already feel the reunion!
~
Знам, че трябваше да кача тези преди известно време, но си почивах през октомври и просто забравих, когато се върнах към блогването. Ето ги сега, когато най-добрата ми приятелка се прибра и прекарахме един от най-лудите дни заедно, имитирайки известни клипове и туърквайки навсякъде. Коледа е след само месец и вече усещам събирането!

xo,
Kalina
18 September 2015

Day Off





Day off day off! And I mean off - no work, no uni, just rest. It was so great to just chill and not worry about anything and take a walk with Ari. It's holidays in Bulgaria until Wednesday and I'm so happy about that!
~
Свободен ден свободен ден! И наистина свободен - без работа, без университет, просто почивка. Беше страхотно просто да релаксирам, да не се притеснявам за нищо и да се разходя с Ари. Сега има доста почивни и дни и съм много щастлива!

xo,
Kalina
16 September 2015

First Day Of School





I went back to UNI this week, but my brother went back to school and he was actually happy about it. He's in the 3rd grade now and he goes to my first school. We took these photos yesterday, when it was officially the beginning of the term. I really want to go back to school now, even though I hated it.
~
Аз се върнах в университета тази седмица, но брат ми отново тръгна на училище и всъщност беше щастлив. Вече е 3ти клас и учи в първото ми училище. Правихме тези снимки вчера, когато официално започна годината. Сега искам и аз да се върна в училище, въпреки че го мразех.

xo, 
Kalina
14 September 2015

Back to UNI












First day of this year's UNI - no. Work afterwards - no. But relaxing and walking Ari after that - yay! Dogs have a way of making your day better.

Going back to school was really weird, it felt like I hadn't been there for so long and I kept wondering what I was actually doing there, haha, but seeing friends is always nice. Hooray for another semester.

Good luck to everyone starting tomorrow!
~
Първи ден в университета за тази година - не. Работа след това - не. Но да релаксирам и да разходя Ари след това - йей! Кучетата наистина оправят деня ти.

Беше много странно да се върна на училище, все едно не бях ходила от страшно много време и се чудех какво правя там изобщо, хаха, но пък да се видиш с приятели винаги е приятно. Ура за поредния семестър!

Късмет на всички, които започват утре!

xo,
Kalina